Have you noticed how quickly the years are going by and you still go to parties alone, spend holidays alone?  Every year it's another hopeful year until once again you don't have your real love to celebrate what some call National Singles Awareness Day!  Valentines Day.   After years of coaching singles who've said on the outside that they really really want a relationship, I identified two groups of people. People who want love and find love and those that don't.

In coaching many singles over the years, I've noticed a pattern in Men and Women who seek love, over and over with limited results.Their relationships are more like minor blips on a radar scale with no longevity.  Many of these people have never ever even gotten their feet wet in a real relationship. On the surface, it appears that they either don't know how to flirt, are too shy, or are just too nice. Yet...I have taken the shy non-flirters who exhibit NGB (Nice Guy But....) qualities and helped them transform. Yes, I've helped them dress more hip, find the right pair of eye-glasses, worked on their body language, and perfected their flirting/mingling approach and their delivery skills. TS'ers are generally eager to learn and make great progress. Yet  they never go all the way: literally and figuratively.  They only let me or anyone else, take them 90% of the way.

You might wonder why TS'ers (especially if you recognize yourself here) the reason some never seem to reach their long term love relationship goals.

Some TS'ers just need some dating experience. Most have focused on their careers and have not paid much attention to dating, if at all. This means they need to catch up to their peers in the sheer amount of relationship experience.

1. PC: They are way too PC (politically correct) in everything that they do. Because they are so PC, they never get beyond surface talk with the men or women they try to flirt with.  In relationships, they never get juicy, they never dig deep and get really connected. Many of these relationships fizzle out over time.

2. SMART: They are very very smart. Too smart. These people are so smart that they talk themselves right out of a relationship.

3. THINKERS. They think too much and too long before ever making any moves or decisions. They often pride themselves on how well they think things through before taking action. This is a great discipline, yet in the realm of love, it's a NO PASS.

Thinkers just aren't as much fun as people who are more spontaneous.  Thinkers, think: "Maybe I should go up to her/him and say this or maybe that. By the time they actually take action, the person that they are interested in is already flirting with someone else.

4. LOGICAL: TS'ers have what seems to be logical excuses for why they haven't found "the one" yet. They say things like: "You just don't understand my city ...they're all married here." or

The women in this city, just don't "show up."  Really? There are people getting married every day in your city and you can't find a single, compatible person?

5. RISK ADVERSE: TS'ers are risk adverse and CAREFUL.  They are too careful with their money, too careful with their heart,  and too careful with the decisions they make. CAREFUL: TS'ers are way way too careful.   These TS'ers are too careful with their heart or emotions they take very few risks which is the reason why most of them don't flirt. I've seen them too careful with their money as well.  Many men who are risk adverse, wait too long to buy a woman flowers or a wonderful birthday present because, in their mind, they haven't been dating long enough.  HELLO?  Flowers and mementos are the sparks that help a flame ignite in the first place.  Better to buy no present than receive a gift of pencils.  (That actually happened to me in 1987.) 

6. INEXPERIENCED: Most Ts'ers have not had in-depth relationships that led to living together or anything longer than a 3 to 18 mos relationship. If you have never lived with someone or been married for longer than 18 mos then you are missing out on some basic critical experiences.  (Most people over 48 who've never said "I do" are missing some basic knowledge about REAL Relationships.)

7. LIMITING BELIEFS: Until you figure out which of your limiting beliefs are holding you back in love, you won't get to experience an unprecedented breakthrough in this area.  (My weekend retreat on Breaking Through Love & Abundance Barriers) will free you from this perplexing dilemma. It's time to release and free yourself from limiting beliefs about yourself and men and women once and for all.

8. ALPHA: This is a man that doesn't know how to keep women in their feminine. The women never FEEL that the TS man has a sex drive. HE covers it up too much. The body language of an alpha male is very different from the PC Risk Adverse male who is too careful of a what he thinks a woman's boundaries are.  Remember the old saying: It's better to beg for forgiveness than ask permission.  Non-Alpha men can learn how to be more Alpha so that their sex appeal and chemistry increases dramatically.   Spend some time with an experienced relationship coach to learn how.  The TS Women on the other hand are acting too independent and never really invite a man into their life.  This leaves the man wondering where he fits in.  Is there any room for love in your life?

9. SURFACE: TS'ers keep on digging 3 ft holes with their dating and marriage plans. They don't dig deep enough below the surface of the REAL reasons they are still single. What they don't realize is how close they are to the GOLD. Maybe, just maybe they are only one inch away but TS'ers always find a reason to stop just short of their goal.

10: AFRAID: Afraid they'll get hurt. Afraid they'll get divorced. Afraid to flirt because they're afraid they'll look ridiculous.  I hear TS'ers recite horror stories of their friends and relatives all the time.  I can tell you that they are so afraid of a divorce that they won't even try getting into a relationship.  Worse yet, I see them run away from and sabotage the relationships they have that are have the most potential to be "the one."

11. APPROVAL SEEKERS: Underneath it all, TS'ers are always unconsciously doing things, even small things, to gain the favor and approval of others. The cure for this is to start developing. One 54 yr old southern male that I had a consultion with actually asked permission from the hotel manager to stand and wait in the lobby. If he had been with a woman, her MALE ENERGY GEIGER COUNTER SENSOR would have gone to below ZERO. Approval seekers also apologize too much.

12. TOO SELF-LESS: This is the opposite of selfish. TS'ers are often too generous. They take care of and value everyone else over themselves. They lower their social value by being a martyr.

13. LOVE BARRIERS: TS'ers have LOVE BARRIERS. Because something happened earlier in your life, it skewed the way you relate to LOVE in a some ways. The sooner you're able to identify your love barriers, the sooner you can make friends with them, understand them and then prevent them from messing with your LOVE LIFE.  These love barriers also impact us in the area of MONEY.

14. BOUNDARY BLURRING: TS'ers either have HUGE WALLS as boundaries or LET EVERYONE WALK ALL OVER THEM. It's generally one or the other.

15. TOO INDEPENDENT: Both men and women are guilty of this but...women do it more than men. To have a successful significant other relationship it is necessary to learn how to be "INTER-Dependent."  A fabulous public speaker that I know, just recently fell in love.  She's one of the top female entrepreneurs in the world.  Her new beau good naturedly joked about how he has to remind her to let him take out the garbage and other male things.  He wants to be the man in the relationship.  He knows full well that she can empty out the garbage but he wants to lighten her load because he cares about her.  This is one great way that he can accomplish this.

16. TOO PROUD: After only a few months of coaching, often the TS'ers think they need to prove something to themselves so they quit coaching to see if they can "do it" on their own. Usually they flop and feel worse about themselves yet then can't (and won't) admit it. This is kind of like the patient who signs themselves out of the hospital AMA (Against Medical Advice). BIG MISTAKE!

17. LONE RANGER THINKING: I can do this on my own. Really? Yes we know you probably can, yet doing it with a partner is so much more rewarding.  I heard about a woman who had a very loving man in her life and then  found out that she was diagnosed with Cancer. This man, WANTED to stick by her side. What did she do?  SHE PUSHED HIM AWAY. Her best friend said: Oh yes, she is Terminally Single. She doesn't even know how to let a guy INTO her life when it counts.

Oh, and here is my FAVORITE: NOT!

18: I AM JUST TOO SELECTIVE: Or otherwise said, I am just too choosy. The right one with all the qualities just hasn't "come along." Really?  I think when I hear this...Don't they know that it's really as simple as saying: "I commit myself fully and wholly to finding the LOVE of MY LIFE, NOW!"  But that might be way too risky...for the non-risk taking, PC, shy, too proud, boundary blurring, SINGLE lone ranger.

Believe it or not, this is just a short list of some of the qualities and characteristics that I've noticed in TS'ers who go year after year secretly wondering if the word SINGLE is written on their forehead. Or worse yet SINGLE LOSER.

If you are one that has very logical reasons (to you) that true love hasn't yet graced your doorstep, then you will want the CURE for being Terminally Single.

Words that describe TS'ers: Timid, Intellectual, Practical, Non-Demonstrative, Savers, Careful, Boring, PC, Unrealistic about love, Shy,  Nice, Pleasant. SAFE

Occupations where there are more TS'ers: Engineers, Scientists, Matheticians, Professors, people in IT/Computer professions, Accountants, Doctors & Lawyers. (Not a complete list and of course many of these people do get married but this is what I've seen a pattern in these professions.

Words that describe BAD BOYS/GIRLS: Sexy, Hot, Fun, Exciting, Mercurial, Powerful, Gorgeous, Debonaire, Edgy, Risky.

I am not saying that you have to become a bad boy or girl to find love.  Yet if you are at a level 1 when it comes to risk taking, and a bad boy is a 10, then you will have more success by moving up to at least a four.

C: Change your circuity. Get help to change your wiring so that you will have more freedom and ease in your everyday living.

U: Understand the opposite sex. Find out what it is that you don't know

R: Risk --Take more risks.

E: Experience the ups and downs of love. Stop protecting yourself and insulating yourself from love. You are living in the safe zone. Time to get uncomfortable. We know it's uncomfortable to wonder why men or women don't seem to be in to you. Trade the discomfort of loneliness in for one of adventures in dating, mating, and relating.

WARNING: To just read this list and say to yourself that you see the error in your ways, that you're now going to take more risks, not be so worried about saying the wrong things socially, and/or will act more feminine/masculine is not enough.  It will not be as likely to get you the results that you say you want unless you seek qualified professional help.

When coaching my clients that have the seeking approval from the opposite sex gene that tells others that they are a wall flower, (or worse yet, a door mat), I always ask them to send me their written responses to online personal ads before they send them out.   There needs to be a consistent focus on languaging (what you are conveying through speech)   It helps so much to see how the NGB. (nice girl/guy but...) programming is ingrained.  so that it no longer interferes with finding a lasting, happy, significant other relationship.

After I consistently point out how certain words put them at a lower social value level, they do "get it" and then they can move on to finding the love they want and feel so much better about themselves as well.

It takes some key shifts, over a period of time, to assist TS'ers overcome their social programming. Once a TS'er realizes they can be way more playful with things that they say, the LIGHT BULB finally goes off and the AHA effect will forever enlighten them.

Now! they don't have to be so CAREFUL of what and exactly how they say something. Finally, their real personality can come out rather than the hologram they've been showing potential partners for years. As a former TSer starting saying: Wow! I just said: " You look like trouble, are you trouble?" to a complete stranger and it made them smile and laugh.  Maybe I will try saying that line again. And they do. And they fall in Love.

Having a coach can help guide a TS person to not just fall in love blindly with the WRONG person. That is something that often happens to desperate. They get hurt again and again and use that as their NEW EXCUSE as to why they can't find a meaningful relationship.

Those clients that get the best results are the ones that I take out in public and have them try on certain behaviors so they can see that almost nothing they do is going to UPSET someone they are flirting with. In the past, they sent off creepy energy vibes because they were being "too nice".  So nice that the person they were flirting with feels like there are hidden strings attached that will come back later to haunt them.

Take an honest inventory of yourself and your life.  Is there some limiting belief that is keeping you from loving someone full out?  from dating? from flirting?  If so, then I hope that you will take action in the next 24 hours to allowing love to enter your life. 

No one has to be terminally single (tm). 

Copyright 2012 Susan Bradley   Susan@MyDramaFreeRelationship.com  All Rights Reserved. Please do not repost this blog unless you use the TM symbol and my copyright info.  www.MyDramaFreeRelationship.com