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My Blog
susan bradley: Posted on Wednesday, January 04, 2012 1:46 AM
 On New Years Day, I get a text. "Hi, I really need a friend right now. She took off with the bill money, all of my money, and left me high and dry. I'm at my wits end and I can't stop crying and I don't what to do. I'm alone with nothing, no food. I really want to die."
Tom had broken up with Elaine over a month ago. They agreed to live together until February for financial reasons plus Tom had really grown fond of her girls.
But today took the cake. He gave her his entire paycheck to deposit and pay the bills. What did she do? Cashed it. Took all the money and moved out. She even took his computer, after he had spent $400 on Christmas presents for her girls.
Now, he was suicidal. Hadn't eaten for two days? What was all this drama about? What would make Tom suicidal? Anger. Anger at himself for being so trusting. For letting himself be taken for granted again and again. Just 6 mos ago, his own Uncle had taken his money for rent and then asked him to leave. Again, he had no money and someone had taken him for a ride and dumped him in the dust. Tom, admitted his self esteem has always been on the low side. I think he could win awards for being Mr. Benevolent to everyone but himself. What Tom somehow failed to grasp is that "People will only love and respect you to the degree that you love and respect yourself." When he tolerated bad behavior from his girlfriend, how could she respect him? He was letting other disrespect him in the name of love. And then, how insane to trust her again after she had already proved to be untrustworthy. Why or why had he given her his entire paycheck to deposit and pay the bills? Here are some guidelines around DRAMA CLUES to watch out for. People who create or manufacture drama so that they don't have to really look at or deal with their own issues.
 - There is never a need for "manufactured drama"
in healthy loving relationships. "Manufactured" or
"self-created" drama includes mind games, temper
tantrums, screaming matches, rages, jealousy and other negative behaviors
that tend to occur with alarming frequency in the vast majority
of unhealthy, non-nurturing relationships.
The older we get, the more we come to realize that real
life provides us with more than enough genuine dramas
and actual crises (in the form of illnesses, the
deaths of loved ones, job losses, financial struggles,
etc.). Of course, this means that there is absolutely
no need for us to add any needless, manufactured melodrama
into the mix.
- Drama as an Emotional Addiction:---At a party I attended I witnessed a pretty blond who had been dating her guy for 5 mos literally act out in front of others with her boyfriend. He was trying to limit the drama but she was persistent. They were triggering each other right and left, in public. Craving manufactured drama can be a form of emotional
addiction. People who yearn for excessive conflict and
arguing with their partners and others may want to take
a long, hard look at exactly why this is the case.
Are they attempting to use emotional melodrama to fill
an emotional void of some kind?
Some people who feel bored, emotionally numb, lonely,
or unfulfilled in some way tend to pick fights with those
they love in an attempt to escape their sense of emotional
numbness or emptiness, but filling an emotional void with
this kind of negativity is never the answer.
- With dedication and persistence, "drama addiction"
can actually be overcome. Think of a craving for emotional
melodrama as a bad habit, a habit that can actually be kicked!
In Tom's case, he invited drama in when he took in a homeless woman with two children and a dog to take care of. She was on welfare too and was using him like another naive guy for his money. These "users' feel somehow justified in taking from people by thinking: He's so naive, he deserves to be taken. But even Tom can change and take back his own power in his life. No one can do it for him but him. He was in effect asking for drama when he gave her his paycheck. I've heard the saying: Trust in God but tie up your camels. And, I believe that it fits his scenario. Tom had a need to be needed to bolster his poor self esteem. His need to be needed clouded his vision to see that she was using him from the very beginning. This was like giving your credit card to DRAMA and saying: Go ahead and charge anything you want. Once people recognize that they have a problem with craving
and creating needless drama in their relationships, and
then make the decision to change, they need to develop some
self-regulating skills.
For instance, if they notice that they are starting a
lot of needless arguments with their spouse and/or their
children, they must make the deliberate choice to
curb their hurtful, destructive behavior. And
if they remain vigilant about observing and working to
change their negative relationship behaviors for the better,
then over time they will notice a significant decrease
in the level of drama in their relationships. It's taken quite a bit of time but for my partner, Al and I but we have decreased any friction and drama between us to the point that any frictional sticking points get handled like a curb rather than a giant road bump in minutes. The results are worth it. And how did it turn out with Tom? He finally realized that he had to take back his power in life. Accept what is. Stop adding extra drama by tacking on blame. The next day he sent more texts saying: Thank you for saving his life. Thank you from the bottom of his heart. I didn't have to take on his personal drama and I did support him and find him other support. He's now well, on his way to recovery and yes, he had the locks to the house changed the next day.
 Don't invite negative drama into your life by saying yes to every emergency demand that friends, family, and even complete strangers foist upon you. Their emergency is not YOUR emergency. Don't allow people to rush you into a decision to "help" them. Don't upset your life to put out everyone else's fires. Teach them how to prevent fires and you won't be an enabler. No one should condone negative drama by rewarding the fire starters with yet another rescue. Find a way to help without enabling the person and the situation. The perfect example of a daily con that we all see everywhere are the people who walk up to you at a gas station or in a grocery store parking lot saying they ran out of gas, or bus money, or whatever and their pregnant wife needs to get home to take her medicine. Every time people donate to that cause they are unwittingly inviting a huge risk of drama into their life. Just say: NO. Just say NO to drama.
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